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Revive Your Relationship and Have Fun Doing it! :019

Be inspired to revive your relationship!

Our relationship has gone through all kinds of bumps and bruises, but with intense care, we come out healthier each time.

After sixteen years of marriage we are still mistaken for newly-weds. I don’t mean to mislead you; this doesn’t mean that things are rosy all the time, but we do have a few things to share to help you be like this too, most of the time.

In this episode Jon and I share how random mutual appreciation sessions keep the love stoked between us.

This is a casual, fun and open discussion with some especially rich insights at the end.

 

Revive Your Relationship

Revive Your Relationship with These “Secrets” from our Sixteen-year Marriage:

  • Generously give compliments
  • Express appreciation for one another as much as possible (It’s like fertilizer water on the sensitive “relationship plant”.)
  • Avoiding criticizing as much as possible! (It’s absolute poison for the “relationship plant”.)
  • Make openings for Random Mutual Appreciation Sessions: turn off the cell phones, get a babysitter, sit across from one another at dinner whether at a restaurant or at home, turn down the lights, focus on one another, start digging for the gold in your history!
  • Reminisce – what are the “good ol’ days” moments? These memories need to be visited often!
  • Be careful with each others’ emotions. To be open and share deep feelings is a very vulnerable position. It seems counterintuitive, but the longer the relationship has gone on, the more “dirt” you have on one-another. Throwing dirt or getting in a mud-slinging match will close the doors to intimacy. Protect your relationship from rash emotions and actions.

We genuinely hope that our conversation inspires you!

Hopefully you’ll be entertained a bit in the process too!

 

As always the audio and video recordings are much more complete. We invite you to…

Watch, Listen… Enjoy!






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What do Men Really Want or Need? :011

What do Men Really Want or Need?

 

Does it feel like you and your partner are just not on the same page? Does it seem like one person is talking and the other “just doesn’t get it”? What does he really need? Hang with me here… we’ll get to the ladies later…

 

We realize that the insights we are sharing are based on a traditional male/female marriage, simply because this is our perspective. If this does not appear to be reflective of your relationship: consider which of the partners is more masculine (or yang or the Fire Element) and which is more feminine (or yin or the Earth or sometimes Water Element). It does not matter the physical sex of the person. This is a basic way of understanding Body-typing also.

 

What do men really need?

 

What if men and women came with operation manuals? Who would write the book?

Since few of us know ourselves well enough to give instructions… we are often left to the people who have figured it out, for them, to leave clues to help us to figure out our own box of mixed parts.

So, that’s what this is. Jon and I share from our experiences of building our guidebooks over our 16 year relationship through insights from previous relationships, study and trial and error.

 

This lively talk is summarized here but it is great fun to listen to also! Watch, listen and subscribe through YouTube, iTunes or the Newsletter! Enjoy!


So, Jon, What do Men Really Want or Need?

My initial question to Jon was, “What do Men really Want?” but he clarified that it’s better to get down to needs. When our needs are met, then we can address ‘wants’…

Fortunately, when Jon and I got together, he had enough experience and insight to have a really good basic “Instruction Manual to Jon” – and this is exactly how he would share his insights. He’d say, “I’m giving you the Owner’s Manual to Jon, and here’s what I really need from you right now…”

His requests were clear, infrequent and always in a loving, caring tone that stated his needs; rather than pointing out my ineptitude at meeting his needs.

 

 “All that I really need is respect and admiration.” – Jon

He goes on to describe how my being his support, believing in him, followed by respect and even admiration is the best encouragement and support he could receive. He explains that this kind of cheer-leading (my words) are the best way to motivate a man to “get the job done” – better than any continuous requests (i.e. nagging), demanding or cajoling.

He explains further that in a relationship like we have where the man is the primary breadwinner and plays a more masculine role that he needs to be respected and be appreciated for being the provider, for the mental, physical and other efforts it takes to provide whatever lifestyle we have at the time. His re-emphasizing to, “…belief in what I’m doing…” gives the feeling that this is the secret elixir, the ruby (or silver) slippers… the magic ring. Realize the tremendous power you have in the decision to bestow confidence and belief in your mate.

“The more responsibility you put on a man, if you step back and appreciate and believe in what he is doing that’s all that he needs. Then he will feel the weight and responsibility of getting things done, taking care of things, making things work and being successful…” – Jon

What about Others’ Needs and Wants?

 

“You have to be respectable to get respect.” – Jon

Simply put, there are some people in whom we simply cannot trust. Rather than get too mired in the philosophy of when, how and why to trust… we can break it down to- if you feel (Yes, I said feel! Your gut will tell you a lot about a situation!) that you cannot trust someone, you must consider to what degree you will be involved with the person. As Jon would poignantly say to be early on in our relationship, “You trust me to have a child with you, but you don’t trust me with $20?” (He’s always had a way of getting me to see the truth so clearly!)

“You have to be in a caring, loving relationship where both sides want to figure things out and want to grow in their relationship.” – Jon

 

Is This Something That All Men Need or Want?

While we may have a hard time admitting it, women process by “talking it out”.

It may be hard to believe that guys similarly (not the same) talk about their relationships and situations with other men.

After nearly 30 years in teaching and being an entrepreneur, Jon has had the opportunity to observe and interact with many people and in many, many situations.

So, when I pried and asked, “Do all men have these needs?”

“Yes,” he shares, “… in listening to guys talk, there are a lot of guys who are not getting much in regards to “‘filling the love tank'” – see The Five Love Languages also check out John Gray (the Mars/Venus guy)

The fact is that both sides of the couple relationship need love and support. Sometimes to get things back on track one person may need to put out a little more initial effort. If the couple ultimately is intent on being together, see this “sacrifice” is really more like an “investment” in the relationship- because it will pay off and there will be benefits for both later.

 

The Benefits of Fulfilling His Needs

It took me several years and many explanations before I really understood what Jon was asking for.

Finally, after one particular clash (we don’t argue much and I don’t even remember this occasion, but it was significant enough for me to literally, take note!) I wrote on two pieces of colored paper and stuck them to my mirror that I use every day, “Respect!” and “Appreciation!”

I needed this reminder so that I would at least start out the day filling his needs. This helped him tackle the days challenges with more vim and vigor.

It’s been a couple of years since I did this and the difference is huge!

  1. There is less much less tension between us i.e. we work together not just on the surface, but emotionally too.
  2. I am more compassionate with Jon and what he goes through on a daily basis
  3. I feel and experience that Jon is much more responsive to my needs as well.
  4. I am generally more content.

All the while, I must note, life has not gotten any easier on us (quite the contrary) but we can handle things with more ease and ultimately are more happy.

 

“In my world there is: What a man needs from his woman and what a man needs to give to his woman.” – Jon

 

 

Other Things we Discussed:

  • Taking out the garbage
  • Give insight to expectation or hope… By tomorrow morning the water jugs need to be out. “heads-up”
  • Of course the kryptonite to this is doing the opposite- tearing the other person down and criticizing.
  • Those little things that make life smooth can seem so insignificant but they are huge.
  • We are likely to act what was modeled for us. Look at your examples. Do you want your relationships to be like that? Accept or learn.

 

Other examples of how to show respect and admiration:

  • Touching… love languages… physical touch.. Know your own Love Languages also!
  • Don’t make your partner guess!

When you need to be careful

  • Are you on the same page? Can you get there?
  • Try putting in a little bit more to see if they’re willing to meet you and work on things because they are feeling more fulfilled.
  • There has to be adjustment time.

 

“When I would bring things up I would generally bring one thing up at a time. I would say, this is what I need from you; I love you, I want to be with you… Do you understand that? Can you do it?” – Jon

 

“I did’t think you were messed up [when we had conflict]… I looked at it from an NLP perspective… that you had strategies you were working from to get what you wanted… you just wanted time with me… we both had each others’ interests but we weren’t communicating effectively.” – Jon

 

Books and Resources Mentioned:

Masaru Emoto Water experiments

 

Invocation or prayer to self:  From Masaru Emoto’s book Love Thyself, Say to water…

I love you

I thank you

I respect you

(Very interesting corollary!)

 

 

Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Well-being – Book

NLP is all about strategies… the map is is a guide, it’s not the territory.

 

We end with a song!






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Irritated by Your Partner? You’re not Alone! :007

Being irritated by our partners is rare in the early days together…

Often-times we are so  caught up in new discoveries about each other that it’s easy to ignore if not just plain not see things that flip our switches years later.

 

After 16 years of an eventful, love-filled and also challenge-filled life together; my hubby and I open-up about our pet peeves with each other and how we manage them within ourselves and with the other person.

 

ep-007

 

I do want to preface that by ‘partner’ we mean any two adults who are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Based upon our experience and preferences, clearly this is going to be especially relatable for heterosexual relationships.

 

In this episode we cover:

 

Toilet Dribble (I can’t believe that we ended up starting on this topic!)

Why is this such a big deal!?

Dealing (or not dealing) with ex’s.

Not everyone is able to simply make a clean-cut with their ex, but there are some things you can do to make life easier for you and your new partner; in a nutshell, set boundaries…

 

What to have for dinner

I share when/why I get upset when my hubby wants to go out to eat…

 

Movies

My hubby has been carefully curating movies for us to watch together all these years… I learn in this podcast! <3

 

Snoring

Learn more than you ever need to know…

 

In-laws…

Good, bad or ugly, we have found success in our relationship by depending on each other; i.e. only bringing others into our relationship for help under specific circumstances and when both partners are present.

 

Housework

What’s your agreement? And, the question comes up…

 

 

…How can I help you help me?

 

Video games…

Where do they stand in your relationship? Between you?

Is it possible to justify a place for video games when you get blank stares and nebulous responses when trying to communicate with a partner who’s playing video games?

Jon talks about John Gray (When Mars and Venus Collide) and how: men meed adventure… they take failure hard- and how video games can fill this void.

 

Why to give 100% / 100% in the relationship

Then when one partner is having an ‘off’ day, you can still operate at least a 100%

 

 

Simplify where you can.

We make our lives as complicated or as simple as we want. Where will it benefit you to simplify?

 

What is nagging, really?

Women get blamed for nagging, but what do they mean? How do men interpret this and what does it do to the relationship?

 

Treat me how I treat you…

A variable on ‘The Golden Rule’ because your standards of “…how you want to be treated.” might be much lower than the standards for how I want to be treated. It’s a bit of a mind-bender, but give it a go!

 

Why don’t guys listen?

How to get the attention of your man…

 

Why to treat your partner like a king/queen

This doesn’t mean necessarily to wait on them at every turn and address him or her as, ‘Your Highness,’ but any relationship can be benefitted with an increase in courtesy.

 

 

What are your secrets to a happy, healthy relationship!?

 






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How to Help A Loved-One be Healthy & Intro. :001

 

It’s very difficult to watch a loved-on lead an unhealthy life;

…eating poor quality foods, not exercising and doing things that are outright harmful to the body.

 

How to help a Loved One be Healthy

 

In this podcast my hubby Jon and I discuss what a person can do to help a loved-one create a healthier lifestyle.

 

You’ll also get a good intro. to us. and meet my other co-host… my cat Starry 🙂

 

***Learning to create a podcast is a bit like learning to ride a bike. You can observe, take instruction from those who’ve done it- but the first several attempts are going to be wobbly and might make you gasp! We’ll get the hang of this sooner than later. Please be patient as we get this thing going smoothly! Thanks!***

 

 

Here are a few summarized tips from the discussion:

  • You can only really help the people who are truly looking for help.
  • The person has to want to make changes. (I would add that regarding health, the “why” may not be to “be healthy” but if you can find a tangential motivation (ex. to be able to play with grandkids with more ease) this could be a good starting point.
  • While Jon had many well-studied and perfectly reasonable solutions for me based on his experience; he encouraged me to go to other teachers early on. (The people closest to you may not be the ideal people to help you move to the next level.)
  • Wait to comment about food choices and habits until well-after your loved-one has enjoyed their experience. From a metaphysical perspective, the thoughts and feelings you experience are more impactful than the physical actions you take. I.e. What you think, you become. (See Dr. Masaru Emoto’s or Bruce Lipton, Ph.D.‘s works for excellent examples of this!)

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See you there!