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What do Men Really Want or Need? :011

What do Men Really Want or Need?

 

Does it feel like you and your partner are just not on the same page? Does it seem like one person is talking and the other “just doesn’t get it”? What does he really need? Hang with me here… we’ll get to the ladies later…

 

We realize that the insights we are sharing are based on a traditional male/female marriage, simply because this is our perspective. If this does not appear to be reflective of your relationship: consider which of the partners is more masculine (or yang or the Fire Element) and which is more feminine (or yin or the Earth or sometimes Water Element). It does not matter the physical sex of the person. This is a basic way of understanding Body-typing also.

 

What do men really need?

 

What if men and women came with operation manuals? Who would write the book?

Since few of us know ourselves well enough to give instructions… we are often left to the people who have figured it out, for them, to leave clues to help us to figure out our own box of mixed parts.

So, that’s what this is. Jon and I share from our experiences of building our guidebooks over our 16 year relationship through insights from previous relationships, study and trial and error.

 

This lively talk is summarized here but it is great fun to listen to also! Watch, listen and subscribe through YouTube, iTunes or the Newsletter! Enjoy!


So, Jon, What do Men Really Want or Need?

My initial question to Jon was, “What do Men really Want?” but he clarified that it’s better to get down to needs. When our needs are met, then we can address ‘wants’…

Fortunately, when Jon and I got together, he had enough experience and insight to have a really good basic “Instruction Manual to Jon” – and this is exactly how he would share his insights. He’d say, “I’m giving you the Owner’s Manual to Jon, and here’s what I really need from you right now…”

His requests were clear, infrequent and always in a loving, caring tone that stated his needs; rather than pointing out my ineptitude at meeting his needs.

 

 “All that I really need is respect and admiration.” – Jon

He goes on to describe how my being his support, believing in him, followed by respect and even admiration is the best encouragement and support he could receive. He explains that this kind of cheer-leading (my words) are the best way to motivate a man to “get the job done” – better than any continuous requests (i.e. nagging), demanding or cajoling.

He explains further that in a relationship like we have where the man is the primary breadwinner and plays a more masculine role that he needs to be respected and be appreciated for being the provider, for the mental, physical and other efforts it takes to provide whatever lifestyle we have at the time. His re-emphasizing to, “…belief in what I’m doing…” gives the feeling that this is the secret elixir, the ruby (or silver) slippers… the magic ring. Realize the tremendous power you have in the decision to bestow confidence and belief in your mate.

“The more responsibility you put on a man, if you step back and appreciate and believe in what he is doing that’s all that he needs. Then he will feel the weight and responsibility of getting things done, taking care of things, making things work and being successful…” – Jon

What about Others’ Needs and Wants?

 

“You have to be respectable to get respect.” – Jon

Simply put, there are some people in whom we simply cannot trust. Rather than get too mired in the philosophy of when, how and why to trust… we can break it down to- if you feel (Yes, I said feel! Your gut will tell you a lot about a situation!) that you cannot trust someone, you must consider to what degree you will be involved with the person. As Jon would poignantly say to be early on in our relationship, “You trust me to have a child with you, but you don’t trust me with $20?” (He’s always had a way of getting me to see the truth so clearly!)

“You have to be in a caring, loving relationship where both sides want to figure things out and want to grow in their relationship.” – Jon

 

Is This Something That All Men Need or Want?

While we may have a hard time admitting it, women process by “talking it out”.

It may be hard to believe that guys similarly (not the same) talk about their relationships and situations with other men.

After nearly 30 years in teaching and being an entrepreneur, Jon has had the opportunity to observe and interact with many people and in many, many situations.

So, when I pried and asked, “Do all men have these needs?”

“Yes,” he shares, “… in listening to guys talk, there are a lot of guys who are not getting much in regards to “‘filling the love tank'” – see The Five Love Languages also check out John Gray (the Mars/Venus guy)

The fact is that both sides of the couple relationship need love and support. Sometimes to get things back on track one person may need to put out a little more initial effort. If the couple ultimately is intent on being together, see this “sacrifice” is really more like an “investment” in the relationship- because it will pay off and there will be benefits for both later.

 

The Benefits of Fulfilling His Needs

It took me several years and many explanations before I really understood what Jon was asking for.

Finally, after one particular clash (we don’t argue much and I don’t even remember this occasion, but it was significant enough for me to literally, take note!) I wrote on two pieces of colored paper and stuck them to my mirror that I use every day, “Respect!” and “Appreciation!”

I needed this reminder so that I would at least start out the day filling his needs. This helped him tackle the days challenges with more vim and vigor.

It’s been a couple of years since I did this and the difference is huge!

  1. There is less much less tension between us i.e. we work together not just on the surface, but emotionally too.
  2. I am more compassionate with Jon and what he goes through on a daily basis
  3. I feel and experience that Jon is much more responsive to my needs as well.
  4. I am generally more content.

All the while, I must note, life has not gotten any easier on us (quite the contrary) but we can handle things with more ease and ultimately are more happy.

 

“In my world there is: What a man needs from his woman and what a man needs to give to his woman.” – Jon

 

 

Other Things we Discussed:

  • Taking out the garbage
  • Give insight to expectation or hope… By tomorrow morning the water jugs need to be out. “heads-up”
  • Of course the kryptonite to this is doing the opposite- tearing the other person down and criticizing.
  • Those little things that make life smooth can seem so insignificant but they are huge.
  • We are likely to act what was modeled for us. Look at your examples. Do you want your relationships to be like that? Accept or learn.

 

Other examples of how to show respect and admiration:

  • Touching… love languages… physical touch.. Know your own Love Languages also!
  • Don’t make your partner guess!

When you need to be careful

  • Are you on the same page? Can you get there?
  • Try putting in a little bit more to see if they’re willing to meet you and work on things because they are feeling more fulfilled.
  • There has to be adjustment time.

 

“When I would bring things up I would generally bring one thing up at a time. I would say, this is what I need from you; I love you, I want to be with you… Do you understand that? Can you do it?” – Jon

 

“I did’t think you were messed up [when we had conflict]… I looked at it from an NLP perspective… that you had strategies you were working from to get what you wanted… you just wanted time with me… we both had each others’ interests but we weren’t communicating effectively.” – Jon

 

Books and Resources Mentioned:

Masaru Emoto Water experiments

 

Invocation or prayer to self:  From Masaru Emoto’s book Love Thyself, Say to water…

I love you

I thank you

I respect you

(Very interesting corollary!)

 

 

Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Well-being – Book

NLP is all about strategies… the map is is a guide, it’s not the territory.

 

We end with a song!